Length: 5 minutes
Ultimately, considering your spouse’s needs as more important than your own, and loving your spouse like Jesus loved you, fulfills everything a marriage should be (Romans 13:10). This true, sincere love only comes by knowing Jesus’ love for you and relating with Him (1 Peter 1:22)! But what about when you’re serving, you’re giving, you’re loving, but your spouse is not?
In most cases, I would find it hard to believe that there’s no room for improvement on your end. But even if that were so, God has not called you to force someone else’s respect or love.
When your spouse is not giving you due respect or love, the Bible doesn’t tell you to demand it. Rather, the Bible simply says to be an example. You need to earn respect from others by your example, not demand it. I’m not saying everyone is going to love and respect you. I’m not even promising you that your spouse always will. But I promise you, if they’re going to love and respect you, it’s not going to be from you demanding it. Respect is earned, not forced. Just like love (from people, not from God).
Paul was advising Timothy on how to handle people despising him (for his young age). What was Paul’s advice for when people despised Timothy? Did he tell Timothy to demand respect? After all, “I’m a man of God.” Did he tell Timothy to change something about the other person? No. He told Timothy to be an example.
1 Timothy 4:12 (NKJV) Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.
If Timothy didn’t want people to despise him, he wasn’t going to get their respect by demanding it. Paul says the only right way to “let no man despise you” is to be an example. All you can do is love people, respect them, and prefer them above yourself. If they’re not willing to respect you with that type of example, you’re not going to get their respect any other way.
One may say, “I’m already being a good example.” Well, I can’t tell what your exact situation is, but for one, I’m sure there’s transformation left to happen in you! Consider that. But if you’re being a good example, there’s nothing more you’re going to do to change people’s opinion about you. You keep your eyes on Jesus. You let Him transform you. There’s nothing more you can do for people’s love and respect. If you seek the Lord, those who respect God will respect you (John 15:20). Those who love God will love you (1 John 5:1).
Here’s the clincher in all of this: the more you know that you have the respect of God, the less you’ll need the respect of people. The more you know you have the love of God, the less you’ll need the love of people. God wants us to depend on His respect and love for us. He wants us to think about it so much that our emotions are fulfilled, and we are content with just Him.
John 5:44 (KJV) How can ye believe, which receive honour one of another, and seek not the honour that cometh from God only?
Seeking the respect and love of God is more than having heard of it before. If you don’t have a vibrant knowledge of Jesus, a constant fellowship with Him, you will not be able to withstand someone’s disrespect or disregard. You need to be immersed in the knowledge of Jesus, seeking Him with your whole heart. That’s how you fill your emotions up with His love!
Everybody needs love and respect. Everybody! That means you too. But we need to get all of that from the Lord. People are extra. There will always be problems when you’re looking to someone else to fulfill you. Only God can fulfill you (John 4:14).
You don’t feel unloved and disrespected because of your spouse. You feel unloved and disrespected because you’re not drawing those things from the Lord. He has demonstrated more love and respect for you, through the cross, than you know what to do with (1 John 4:9-10).
Some people have a hard time receiving that, but the only people that have a hard time receiving that are those who are still dependent on their spouse for love and respect, instead of the Lord. I’m not talking about tolerating abuse or anything that jeopardizes your safety. But feeling unloved or disrespected is a lack of drawing from the Lord, not a lack of receiving from your spouse.
He has given us everything we need. It’s just a matter of learning it so that we can receive from it and be satisfied (Hebrews 13:5). God knows you need these things. He’s not discounting it or pushing it to the side. He just wants to be the one to fulfill it.
There’s nothing wrong with a respectful, gentle conversation with your spouse if there’s a real, ongoing problem. You can express how you feel, while giving them the benefit of the doubt. Even though, sometimes, you’re not doing anything wrong, be open to mistakes you may be making that encourage the problem. Even ask them if there’s some way you can better serve them. That might shock them. Although, there are some spouses that are not interested in having a respectful conversation. In that case, 1 Peter 3:1 speaks of a better way of winning them over. Consider the Lord and He will lead you.
At the end of the day, you can’t force someone to love and respect you. It would be insincere on their part. All you can do is meditate on how good God has been to you and love your spouse from that overflow, without expecting anything in return. Just like Jesus did to us (1 John 4:10). Through that example, you’re giving yourself the best chance at winning them over, but by the time you do, you’ll be so satisfied with Jesus, all of it will just be additional.
When you’re loving God and receiving His love for you, all things work out for your good. That’s a promise (Romans 8:28).
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