Friendships – Part 3: Those In The Middle

Length: 11 minutes

Recently we’ve been talking about two groups of people. There are those who believe and are growing in the same truth that you are. God says to never forsake assembling with these people. On the other hand, there are people who are not willing to hear the truth. After being given ample opportunity, the Bible says to shake the dust off your feet and move on. But what about everyone else in between?

There are tons of people who don’t believe the gospel (so they don’t fit in with the first group we spoke of, who believe the truth like you do), but they also have not rejected the gospel. Perhaps they are willing to hear what you have to say (so they don’t fit in with the second group either, who scorn the gospel). How much time should we devote to these people in the middle? Does God advocate hanging out with someone who disagrees, but is willing to hear? Let’s explain.

I believe this is perfectly sound logic based on what the Bible says. Here it is: God mentions two extremes. He mentions those who believe the gospel like you do and those who are closed off to the gospel. He advocates a lot of consistent time with that first group and He asks us to avoid the company of the second group. And so, if you were to draw that out in a diagram, you might draw it out like this (Image is included in the text version of this article).

As a sidenote: I want to say that this article series and this diagram have nothing to do with romantic relationships. There is no grey area in those relationships. Listen to our Romantic Relationships Series for more. 

In the diagram, we see a line segment. On one end, all the way to the left, it represents those who are growing in the gospel like we are. That extreme represents those who we should spend consistent time with. It provides a mutual encouragement in our growth. On the right side, that represents those that scorn or reject the gospel. That represents the extreme whom God asks us to avoid. And if one extreme is people we should consistently fellowship with and the other extreme represents those that we should avoid, what about someone who’s in the middle, who neither believes the truth, nor rejects it. Because of the timescale the Lord gives in the Bible, I believe it is sound to say that there is “some” time, or a “medium” amount of time, that we should devote to someone in the middle. 

This may seem overly analytical, but it’s important to understand. If a person is smack dab in the middle of those that God tells us to spend time with and those that God tells us to avoid, then I believe it is correct to say that we should neither spend all our time with these people, neither avoid these people. These are people who may not see the truth right now, but they’re willing to hear the gospel. All of us were this person at one point in time. If we did not spend time with people that disagreed, no one would ever get saved! Everyone needs a chance to grow out of their disagreement with the gospel. And God desires so strongly to give them the truth (Romans 10:14).

Now, please note this important point: When someone disagrees, but is willing to hear you, that still does not make them a fellow believer who is able to encourage you in your faith. When you hang out with people that don’t believe the gospel, but are willing to hear, there is not a mutual encouraging going on (Romans 1:12). These relationships should revolve more around you ministering to them, than seeking mutual fellowship with this type of person. Why? Because, unlike unified believers, they don’t know the truth to be able to minister to you. They don’t share the truth that you’re growing in, so mutual encouragement shouldn’t be sought here. 

If you’re seeking the truth, you’ll notice that your closest friends are the people who believe the truth like you do. That’s because you’re unified with them in the same mind, so naturally that makes for a closer friendship. The time you spend with people who don’t believe like you, but are willing to hear, ends up being you ministering to them, rather than relating or feeling unity with the way that they think. 

When you spend time with people “in the middle,” you should always be cautious that you’re being a good influence on them, and not running into the same activities, speech, and ways of thinking that they are (Galatians 6:1). They need to hear the truth, they need to be loved, the same way that you needed it, but there is no unity or agreement there yet. 

The problem is not with spending some of our time with people who are willing to hear. The problem is, most Christians look to relationships like this for unity, fellowship, and camaraderie. I’m not saying to cut off anyone who is willing to hear the gospel. Anyone who is willing to hear about Jesus is a friend of mine. But I know those that I have unity with. I have unity and kinship only with my brothers and sisters in Christ. And furthermore, even amongst my brothers and sisters, I only have “unity of the faith” with those who are growing in the same truth that I am (Ephesians 4:13). Those are the people that I seek out to spend time with on a consistent basis, so that they can encourage me and I can encourage them. You will not find this with someone that isn’t growing in the same truth.

We, in fact, have nothing in common with this world (2 Corinthians 6:15). While we have nothing more of our own works than the world does, we have been re-created in an image that is opposite to this world. And if the world is willing to hear you, speak the truth to them in love. Everybody needs to hear. But to seek out a unified relationship with someone that doesn’t believe, the same way you would with a brother or sister in Christ, is not the right way to go about it.

I’m not saying this to offend anyone, but if you are able to maintain a relationship with this world, in which you get along in a unified fashion, it’s simply because you think like they do. If you didn’t think like they did, you wouldn’t feel a sense of partnership or unity with them. 

I think that most believers can carry on with most unbelievers about sports, movies, celebrities, and culture, while sensing little to no disagreement. I’m not saying this to condemn you as if you were like this world. I’m saying this because you are not like this world but are simply thinking like it (Romans 12:2).

Anyone who is willing to hear the truth is a friend of mine, but if someone has not believed yet, I don’t carry a sense of unity with that person yet. I have something that they don’t, and that something is Jesus. That is not a small thing. I have a new country, culture, and way of doing things because of Him. I have been redeemed from this world. 

When I hang out with someone who doesn’t believe, it’s not because I feel unified with the way that they think, with the way that they do things, or the way that they speak. In fact, it should feel foreign. I don’t hang out with them the same way I would hang out with a like-minded believer. I hang out with them as my friend, because I love them and want to share my new country, culture, and ways of doing things with them — not to carry on about theirs. 

Even regarding a fellow believer who thinks much like this world, if I hang out with them, it ends up being more for the purpose of me ministering to them, than me seeking out mutual encouragement, as if I felt relative to the way that they think. The truth is, as much as I hate to say it, I don’t feel relative even with the way that most Christians think. For anyone who’s willing to hear, saved or unsaved, I am always willing to converse with them and be a friend to them (as long as they’re receiving), but my close friends, that I seek consistent time with, are still going to be those who believe like I do. 

Lastly, regarding those in the middle, what if someone is more or less receptive to the gospel than others? Well, based on the “time scale” that you find in the Bible, I would submit this principle: The more receptive someone is to the gospel, the more time I’m willing to devote to them. The less receptive someone is to the gospel, the less time I’m willing to devote to them. 

Truthfully, when your mind and your mouth revolve around the gospel, this type of thing just becomes natural. When you endeavor to think and speak the gospel, you will naturally gravitate toward those who are doing the same and will naturally distance yourself from those who are walking in a different direction. Your time will automatically look like that timescale we introduced from the Bible earlier. 

Also, the more that you speak about Jesus, the more that people themselves will naturally drift away or gravitate toward you, depending on their receptiveness, but even if you have to distance yourself from someone, keep this in mind: If you distance yourself from certain people, you’re not rejecting anyone. This is not about our personal like or dislike of anyone. We love everybody. This is based on their acceptance or rejection of what you have to say. We let people choose whether they want to accept or reject the truth that we speak. Based on their own acceptance or rejection, we choose to spend more or less time with that person. This is not about like or dislike. This is about them. This is about their receptiveness. The ball is in their court, not yours.

Never let anyone accuse you of rejecting them just because you pull away from their company, the more that they are disinterested in hearing your gospel. They need to know this: You are all about the gospel. Your whole life revolves around the gospel. There is not a version of you that comes packaged without the gospel. And if they find the gospel intolerable, they find your company intolerable, because your company and the gospel are synonymous. Talking to you means talking in line with Jesus. And if they’re ever receptive to hearing it, you have no problem sticking around. The truth is, a lot of people just want your company, without the gospel that you speak. And for those who are truly growing, this is not possible. 

All of this is wonderful information, but truthfully, none of this works unless you are diligently seeking the truth for yourself. If you’re not seeking Jesus for yourself, you won’t even know when friends are contradicting that knowledge, because you don’t know it well enough for yourself. But when your mind revolves around the knowledge of Jesus, your relationships will automatically revolve around this knowledge as well. So just get the knowledge of Jesus! 

You’ll start finding it uninteresting to hang out with the same crowd who go on and on from a worldly perspective, without interest in discussing the truth. You’ll feel like an outsider there. You’ll lack enthusiasm for the company of those who aren’t running headlong into the knowledge of Jesus. It will bore you when you start recognizing what’s truly important. But all of this is hinged on you seeking Jesus for yourself. None of this will work without it. 

When you are running headlong into the truth, you stop caring what color, what nationality, what occupation, what interests, what personality, or what hobbies the other person has. The kind of friends you want are the kind of friends that are interested in the truth. Your relationships start revolving around Jesus and what you know about Him. Friendships stop becoming about mutual interests in popular culture, or about sports, or media. They start becoming about Jesus. That is, when your mind becomes more focused on Jesus.

You’ll start seeking the company of fellow believers, and you’ll want to share in this wonderful knowledge (church is a great place to do that)! When someone in the middle is willing to hear you, you’ll want to share Jesus with them as well, though cautiously, not being influenced by them. And regarding those who reject the truth, you’ll automatically avoid their company, because they’re rejecting the one thing that you’re endeavoring to keep on your lips (Deuteronomy 6:6-7).

Just seek the truth wholeheartedly for yourself and all of this happens naturally. If you spend your time like this, you will make the most of your time with people, and you will do well.

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