Length: 6 minutes

We’ve been talking about unity in the faith, when it comes to romantic relationships, but what if you love each other? What if you get along great? What if you can speak about Jesus with this person and they receive it? All these things are not what is important to a unified marriage. 

You need to believe the same things about Jesus first. You need to be unified in the faith first. Someone being receptive to what you speak about Jesus is not enough to enter a romantic relationship. You need to be unified in the same knowledge. You don’t get into a relationship, and then try to convert them or to win them over on what you believe. You don’t yoke yourself together with someone that you’re not compatible with first, and then try to win them over. Flirt and convert is not a godly method.

God only wants us to yoke ourselves together with people that already, independent of coercion from us, have been seeking Him… people who already know what you know. But getting into a romantic relationship with someone to win them over, is getting it all backwards.

How Do I Know What They Believe?

So, what are we to do if we are interested in someone but don’t know exactly what they believe?  

First, you would know already if they were a professed Christian or not. If you already know this person, it should be pretty evident whether they at least profess to be a Christian or not.

Second, does this person go to your church? Let’s think about this for a second. Do you agree with the church that they go to? Would you voluntarily choose to attend their church and agree with their teaching, apart from this significant other attending? If you would, then that might tell you something about what they believe. And if you would not attend the church that they go to, that should also tell you something about what they believe.

You may not think that the church someone goes to is a big deal, but if you wouldn’t go to the church that they go to, that means that you do not have sufficient unity in the faith. They believe things that you would not. You do not have a compatible mind right now. That’s not to say that you won’t in the future, but you certainly don’t right now. And as much as we may want to, we shouldn’t make excuses in this area, because church is a huge evidence of what someone believes about the Lord. A huge evidence. 

To start a relationship with someone who goes to a church that you would not attend, is already starting the relationship divided. It’s not a matter of how nice they are to you. I’m sure they’re very nice. It’s not a matter of how well you get along right now. Everyone who likes someone else is going to get along with them, not to mention, make exceptions for much of what they do. What I’m talking about is a deeper division. I’m not talking about arguing or not getting along. I’m talking about a division of your faith. A division that is not going to manifest fully, until you have to start making every one of your life decisions with that person. Then it’s going to manifest, for sure. 

If you can’t even agree on a church to go to with someone that you’re not yet committed to, how do you expect to make consistent godly decisions with this person once you’re committed for life?

But let’s say you do go to the same church, but you’re just not sure yet, about the specifics of what they believe. Well, you don’t need to become romantic with someone to find that out. You can be someone’s friend to get to know them better, if you make sure you don’t make it an opportunity to flirt and take it too far. Having friends or family around you to keep you accountable to a strictly “friendship” realm is wise. 

If you want to hang out with them, do it with a group of friends. Treat them like you would any friend, without giving them signals that you are interested romantically. Because if you’re spending all your time with them, going to their home, going out with them one-on-one, with mutual feelings for each other, you can call it what you’d like, but you’re dating that person. If it walks like a duck, flaps like a duck, and quacks like a duck… It’s a duck.

Keeping it at friendship level will give you some more specific information about the person, while not making romantic commitments. So, if you have to backpedal out of it at any point, you’re not hurting anyone or making things more complicated. But I want to remind you about being careful to treat them like you would any friend. When you’re interested in a person, your judgment is typically going to be at an all-time low regarding that person. And you’re typically willing to make many exceptions for that person. And that’s why having people around you, to keep you accountable and in check, is wise.

And only after you feel that this person believes like you do, and is in agreement with what you know about Jesus, then maybe, just maybe, it’s a good time to pray about whether to pursue a romantic relationship or not. But unless some fundamental things are in place first, like plainly being able to tell that they are a Christian, them going to the same church as you, or having the sense that they can encourage you, the same way you could encourage them, it’s not even worth praying about yet, because God would never lead you into a divided relationship.

Why is all this important? Is it because the procedures themselves are some laws from God? Or is it because unity, when it comes to Jesus, is the most important thing in the world? What length is too far to make sure that they are unified with you, before getting romantic with them? Can you think of any length that’s too far? It’s not too much to ask for, to be unified in 99% of the truth of Jesus, before getting romantic. It’s not too much to ask for. It’s the least of it. And trust me, in the long run, when you find yourself in a unified relationship, in which there is not constant discord and friction, you will remember advice like this, and you will never regret having accepted it.

If you want a spouse, God has someone for you. Sincerely, God will add someone to you while you are focused on Him. All of these principles are not laws, they’re just wisdom. But exhibit enough trust in your Father to not bend these principles and get into a relationship that He doesn’t want for you. He loves you. He wants the best for you. And he knows how to add the right person to you. 

This is only the second part in a series. We have more valuable advice in the next parts, so keep reading!

…If you enjoyed this, share it with someone else. More people need to understand this awesome truth!